Of Quests, Dubs, and Fangirls
by milkmoth
Summary: A collection of related, humorous, Shaman King oneshots. Here comes Trey Racer.
1. Ryu's Quest for Love

* * *

Ryu was sad. He was coming home from Jun's and Bailong's engagement party. 

"I've lost one of my prospects for a girlfriend. Who will be my girlfriend?" He thought hard, then decided to turn back the way he came and talk to Ren.

"Ren, I need help finding a girlfriend!"

* * *

Ren was agitated because he was trying to watch his soap. "Go away! I don't have a girlfriend, so why are you asking me?" 

"But you have so many fangirls, Ren! You must know something!"

Ren shivered. "Let me make it clear to you, Ryu: I DO NOT LIKE THE FANGIRLS. Understand? That's why I never leave my house!"

Ryu looked out the window. Indeed there were many, many girls (and some boys) outside. They screamed when they saw him at the window.

"Don't go near the window!" Ren said too late.

"REN-SAMA'S FRIEND IS NEAR THE WINDOW! YAAAAAY!"

Ryu wouldn't give up. "Reeeeen," he whined, "tell me your secret!"

Ren glared. "NO! I don't have a secret! Those girls come and bother me no matter what I do!" He eyed the window. "Watch this," he said disdainfully.

He stood at the window. He glared at them.

"OMG, HE'S GLARING AT US!" Some of them swooned. He glared more deeply and picked his nose.

"OMG, HE'S PICKING HIS NOSE! SOOO CUTE!"

He sighed and went back to his show.

So Ryu despondently walked away.

Then he spotted Anna. He felt his hopes go up for a moment, but then decided against it.

"Nah, she's the boss's girlfriend," he reminded himself out loud.

Anna appeared behind him, a very frightening look on her face.

"WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT ASKING ME OUT?"

"Um… nooo…." he said unconvincingly.

After receiving multiple bruises, Ryu ran away as fast as his possibly-crippled legs could carry him.

"I have to think of someone nicer than her," he said, "someone who's just as pretty but much nicer."

Pirka walked by, humming sweetly and skipping along.

"Pirka! Would you like to be my girlfriend!"

Pirka looked at him, very scared, for a moment, and then blew a whistle hanging on a chain around her neck. "BIG BROTHER! RYU IS BOTHERING MEEEEE!"

Horohoro magically appeared. "Grrr…. Of all the creeps to harass my sister…"

Ryu ran away before he could experience another wave of pain. Thankfully, he found himself at Yoh's house.

"Whew, I'm glad I got away from Hororhoro…"

"Um, Ryu?" said Tamao timidly, "Are you alright?"

Ryu stared at her.

"Um, R-Ryu, why are you looking at me like that?"

"I LOVE YOU, TAMAO!"

Tamao passed out.

Pirka came in. She gasped.

"You fiend! What did you do to her? YOU'RE GOING DOWN!"

Pirka took one of her nets, caught Ryu with it, and put the net (with Ryu in it) over a crocodile pit.

However, with a combination of his pompadour's magical powers and his wooden sword, Ryu managed to escape the crocodile pit.

Ryu, rather scraped up, crawled back to China.

"REN! YOU MUST HELP ME!"

"I'm still watching my soap, go away!"

Then Ryu got a great idea. He would be a soap star! Didn't women always swoon over the ravishing heroes in those shows?

So he applied for a job. To his great pleasure, he got one!

With extra gel holding his awesome pompadour in place, he made his way to the studio. His new boss told him about his part.  
"You play the sleazy guy, Jacques, who's trying to steal the ravishing hero's girlfriend."

Ryu was very disappointed. He thought he would have all sorts of fans from the show, but instead all of the viewers wanted to throw rotten tomatoes at him for being the antagonist.

Once again, he returned to Ren's house.

"Ren, I need your help."

"I've told you a million times – HEY! YOU'RE JACQUES! DIE!" And he threw rotten tomatoes at him.

Ryu was about to give up. But today, as he made his way out of the Tao manor, he gave extra notice to the hoards of fangirls out in Ren's yard. I'm telling you, there are _hundreds _of girls camping out on Ren's front lawn.

"Really, I wonder what his secret is," Ryu thought enviously to himself. Then he had an idea.

He asked various girls what they liked about Ren. Some of them inched away, finding him creepy. Some of them asked excitedly if he was Ren's friend. Some recognized him from his soap and threw rotten tomatoes at him. Some gave him straightforward answers:

"His bad boy attitude… sigh…"

"His smirk is so dreamy!"

"I love how tough he is, but he's really a good guy! It's so hot!"

"His hair is just AWESOME!"

At this, Ryu was hurt. Wasn't his pompadour just as awesome, if not awesome-er?  
Ryu went back to his house, pondering these things. He decided he could never be like Ren if it meant losing his beloved pompadour.

When he got home, he was thrilled to see that there were fangirls outside of the gate!

Okay, there was only one. But surprisingly she was out-of-this-world pretty.

"RYUUUUUUU!" she screamed, running up and hug-tackling him.

"I LOVE YOU!" he said, taking advantage of the situation.

They talked for a while and he got to know her.

She was named Mary Sue. She had shiny, golden-blonde hair highlighted with pink streaks. It was in perfect, shiny waves down to her mid-back. She had a perfect, glowing complexion. Her eyes were a clear, bright blue the color of sapphires. She was thin, but had curves in all of the right places. She was also incredibly kind, despite her tragic past.

She wore a tight, pink, long-sleeved shirt. She had a red vest over it that was adorned with little pink hearts. She had red pleated miniskirt and shiny black boots that reached almost to her thighs, but more like to her knees. She wore a heart-shaped pendant around her neck, and to finish off her look – hey are you still reading this? Don't tell me you've skipped over the lengthy paragraph describing Mary's outfit! (not that I blame you… do it all the time myself…)

"And," she said, tears collecting in her sapphire eyes, "you see, no one wants me around anymore!"

"Why didn't you go hang out with Ren? Not that I'm complaining, you know, but everyone seems to love him."

"I'm tired of that stupid Ren! I get stuck with him all the time; I cannot tell you how sick I am of being his fiancée!"

So Ryu found his girlfriend. His quest for true love was complete?

END

* * *

Q&A: Questions and answers with Maiden-Chan and… um… Maiden-Chan

Jeanne: (reads off of notecards): Maiden-Chan, did Ryu ever get tired of having a freakishly perfect girlfriend?

Me: Not really. He was just happy he had a hot girlfriend, much less a girlfriend at all.

Jeanne (reading): Will you continue to write Shaman King Journals?

Me: Of course!

Jeanne (reading): Will you ever stop shamelessly plugging your stories?

Me: Maybe. Probably not. Review and maybe I will…

Jeanne (reading): And when will you stop bribing your readers?

Me: WHEN THEY REVIEW!

Jeanne: You are pathetic.


	2. Ren's Fangirls

It was the worst day of my life.

I was going to the grocery store, getting a much-needed carton of milk (I was out of it). I put a fake beard on, disguising myself from the fangirls. BUT THEY STILL NOTICED IT WAS ME!

Now, I can't buy milk or else they know who I am! AAAAGGGGHHH!

I tried sending my servants over in the private jet, but…

The fangirls took them down. The servants were tortured till they told where my house was…. Aagggh…

Then I decided to go to Japan. I decided this would be a good place to hide. I met up with Yoh.

"Yoh, can I live in your house for a while?"

"No, it's under construction right now. One of the fangirls took it down in an attempt to find you. Anna is not pleased with you right now, just so you know."

"AAAAGH! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!"

When Anna saw me (I was trying to find a grocery store that was not infiltrated by fangirls) she said (er, screamed):

"YOU WILL DO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR! OR ELSE-"

"OR WHAT? YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER!"

"I know… I can get you some milk…" she grinned evilly, "but you must do five-hundred years of the electric chair!"

I seriously thought about this offer for a while, but decided against it.

"THE FANGIRLS INTERROGATED US! I WAS FORCED TO USE MY LEFT-HANDED SLAP ON THEM!" she suddenly screamed.

"Ow." I winced. Did the fangirls really deserve that?

Wait. Yes, they did.

I thought of moving in with Lenny for a while (because, you know, the fangirls don't like _him _at all…) but I remembered how if his voice was annoying enough to drive off fangirls, I probably couldn't bear it for more than two seconds.

Then I thought of moving in with Horohoro. But I realized I probably couldn't stand that baka's company in concentrated doses for much longer than I could stand Lenny (maybe, like, five seconds).

Then it hit me. I could stay with the X-Laws! They don't approve of teenage dating, so they wouldn't let a single fangirl near me!

But Iron Maiden Jeanne didn't want me to stay. "WE ARE HOLY PEOPLE AND YOU ARE… UM…. _NOT _HOLY!"

Then Ryu (for about the trillionth time) came over and asked me for girl advice (this was pre-Mary Sue... which is a whole 'nother story...).

I had an idea!

"Uh, Ryu… put this costume on! Girls totally dig it!"

Ryu looked at it dubiously. "Ok, if it works!"

I smirked. That dummy fell for it hook, line, and sinker!

So Ryu put on the Ren costume and went out to the hordes of fangirls.

"OMG IT'S REEEEEEN!" they cried.

"Hey," cried one of them, "this isn't Ren!"

"Hey, you're right!" cried another.

They tore him to bits and he ran away crying and begging for mercy.

I shivered. The fangirls are ruthless. I had been planning to sneak out, but there was no hope.

So now I stay in my house. Even though it takes constant jiang-si protection to keep them from tearing down the manor, at least they don't bother me.

And, thankfully, Jun brought home a whole lot of milk that night, so I didn't go without my milk.

Actually, I think they would have taken her hostage but for Bailong. No, Bailong was not stronger than the fangirls… it's just that the Bailong fangirls are pretty darn tough, as well, and they won't let my fangirls hurt him.

So all is well. I guess. I get to drink milk and watch my soaps. Living in constant fear of fangirls is _not _good, though…

I wish I wasn't so hot.


	3. Attack of the Dub: Part One

Yoh was sleeping peacefully. Suddenly, he heard a thudding sound. He turned on his lamp. His eyes nearly popped out at what he saw.

"HA-HA-HAO?" he screamed.

The person smiled. "Nope," he said. "Guess again, Yoh!"

Then Yoh noticed that although this person could have been his twin, he wasn't. He was more like… a clone! He wore the exact same thing as Yoh usually wore.

Yoh gasped with realization. "N-No… you can't be…"

"Yes, Yoh, I am Yo!"

Yoh smiled. "Nice to meet you."

Yo smiled. "You too. You sound kinda breathy."

"Well, you sound annoyingly all-American."

"Yeah, I know. But it's not my fault."

"Don't worry about it."

Anna barged in. "What's going on here?" Her eyes flicked from one face to the next. Her eyes widened.

"No… don't tell me…" she whispered fearfully.

A high-pitched voice floated in.

"Yo, what's going on?" The girl came in. She saw Anna. She gasped.

"She's scary!" she whined.

Anna glared at her dub counterpart. Her dub counterpart gasped again and hid behind a nearby chair.

"Quickly, Yoh! The whole world is being invaded by the dub-counterparts! We must go on a mission to save everyone and send the dubs to their original land!"

Yo looked confused. "I'm not bad!" he said.

Anna nodded. "That's right. Your voice may be annoying, but at least you're not a blemish on Yoh's name. This Anna-imposter-" she pointed to the girl cowering in the corner "- gives me a bad reputation as a girly-girl."

Anna magically pulled a water gun out of thin air. She squirted the dub Anna with the water, which had a radioactive-looking green glow.

"I'm melting, I'm melting!" The dub Anna screamed. Then, in a poof of smoke, she was gone.

"Hey, she didn't melt, she poofed into thin air!" Yoh said indignantly.

Yo sheepishly scratched his head. "It doesn't hurt _that _much to be returned to Dubland."

Anna nodded solemnly. "Tis a sad fate, though."

Yo smiled at them. "Hey, you know, I recognize the importance of returning us to our dub. In fact, I _miss _it!"

Yoh and Anna just stared at him, jaws dropped.

"So I'll help you bring all of my friends back, and then I'll go back, too."

Anna thought for a moment, then nodded.

"Hey, my friend Lenny has a plane."

"Lenny?" Yoh and Anna asked. They looked at each other and snickered.

"Yeah. He's really rich."

"You mean Ren," Anna corrected bluntly.

"No, Lenny."

Anna and Yoh burst into hysterics. Once they were finally done, Yoh said:

"Ok, call him."

Yo called him.

"Yeah, Lenny… uh-huh… yeah… that'd be great… thanks… see you!"

Yo turned to them. "He's coming over as soon as he deals with some jerk who's getting in his way."

At the Tao manor…

"HIYAAAAA!"

"HIYAAAAA!"

"I'm going to kill you, you British imposter!"

"Imposter? Me? Don't make me laugh, commoner! I am Lenny Tao!"

"Ok, that just doesn't sound right. 'Lenny Tao'?"

"Don't be such a ruiner, you 'Ren' person!"

"THAT'S IT! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"


	4. Part Two: Ren Goes OOC

a/n: The 'spouting British clichés" line isn't mine. But it's awesome. xD Remember to review… I'm happy that this story's been getting positive feedback. :)

* * *

Anna, Yoh, and Yo finally got tired of waiting for Lenny Tao to come and pick them up in his private jet. 

Just as they were about to scream from boredom, they screamed from something else.

"Hey, Yo," said Morty, the Manta look-alike.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they screamed.

Anna pulled out her squirt gun and gave it a shot.

"It's back to Munchkinland for you," she cackled as Morty poofed into thin air.

Yo nudged her in the rib. "Be nice to the vertically challenged," he muttered.

Finally, with that done, Lenny Tao came in his jet.

"Lenny!" Yo greeted him. Lenny hopped out of his jet.

"Yes, old chap, I've brought my spiffy new jet,"

From inside the jet came a muffled scream.

"What was that?" Yoh said, worried for once. Anna was frozen, fearful of the British clichés.

"Oh, that's just some Chinese imposter who says he's me! Except that chap say his name is Tao Ren…" Lenny Tao looked dubiously at the jet and made a cuckoo-sign. "He's a bit bonkers," he whispered.

There was another scream. Apparently, Ren had managed to undo his gag (because he's just awesome that way).

"STOP SPOUTING BRITISH CLICHÉS!" Ren cried, tears in his voice. "AS SOON AS I UNTIE THESE ROPES, YOU ARE GONNA DIE!"

Yoh gasped. "You made Ren cry?" he said, going white as a sheet.

Lenny shrugged. "He said it was the sound of my voice."  
Yoh winced at Lenny's voice. He turned around to see Anna on her knees covering her ears. "No more!" she cried.

With unsteady hands, she pulled out her magical squirtgun. Lenny Tao knew that the squirtgun couldn't be a good thing for him.

"It is time for me to flee!" he said, "but I will be back!"

He snapped his fingers and another jet came. He jumped on it, waving as he flew off into the distance.

And he left just in time, too. A pack of rabid fangirls was running up, their eyes wide and wild.

"WE WANT OUR REEEN!" they cried.

"Uh-oh…" Anna and Yoh said together. Yo didn't really have to worry.

Ren unwisely gave a scream of anguish from the plane. "NOOOOOO!" The fangirls, alert as ever, turned in his direction.

Anna, Yoh, and Yo jumped into the plane and only just managed to get away with their lives.

The fangirls on the ground glowered at the plane as it flew off.

Anna undid the ropes around Ren.

"Thank you… that was terrifying…" he sputtered, "I was so scared!"

Anna's eyes widened. "Yoh!" she called, "this trauma has caused Ren to go OOOC ON US!"

Ren looked at Yoh, enraptured. His eyes grew dreamy. "Yoh," he said, "have I ever told you how beautiful you are?"

"..." said Anna and Yoh. They looked very scared for a moment.

Finally, Anna began to beat him up.

"NEVER MAKE EYES AT YOH EVER AGAIN! YOU HEAR ME?"

Yoh stopped her. "Anna, c'mon! It's not his fault!"

"You love me too, Yoh?" Ren said, looking up at him with puppy dog eyes.

Yoh stepped away.

Anna proceeded to beat Ren up some more.

"We're almost in Europe so we can find more dub-people!" Yo, who was piloting the plane, called out.

Suddenly, they crashed into Germany. But of course, since this is a K+ rated fanfiction, no one got really big boo-boos. Besides, Yo, Yoh, and Ren (though perhaps not OOOC Ren) had plenty of experiencing with crashing planes in both manga and anime.

Brushing off debris and examining a few scratches (except for Ren who, thanks to Anna, had a bunch of bruises as well) the quartet decided to continue their journey.

Soon they ran into Faust.

Anna held up her squirtgun menacingly. "Are you dub, or are you sub?" she asked.

"I'm the black-magic sheep in my family," he explained.

"LOOK OUT!" Anna cried, "he's making bad puns! This dude is definitely dub!"

Suddenly, another (very angry) Faust appeared. He pointed an accusatory finger at Faust-dub.

"You get your sleazy hands off my wife," he threatened, "or… or… or I'll _shoot _you!" He pulled out a syringe. He looked confused. "What _is _it called when you give someone a shot?" he asked Yoh in a whisper.

Yoh shrugged.

Eliza ran in. "No, Johann, don't!" she cried. Both Fausts looked at her.

"Eliza!" Faust-dub squealed.

"Faust-dub! Guess what? I just found the cutest pair of shoes!"  
"Really? Were they at that sale I told you about?"

"Yes! Thank you so much!" Eliza squealed.

Faust-sub looked considerably more relaxed about the situation. He put away his syringe. "Ah, I understand. You just wanted Eliza back so you could go shopping together, am I right?"

Faust-dub nodded. "You have to understand… I wasn't trying to steal Eliza. I just miss her. We would talk about boys and we were the best of shopping buddies…" he sighed.

Yo, Yoh, and Anna sweatdrooped. Anna quickly squirted him with the squirtgun.

Eliza gasped. "Nooo!"

Anna put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry. He has an Eliza back home… you both will move on and find a new friend."

Eliza nodded sadly.

And so, the group (which now included Faust and Eliza) moved across Europe, ready for another adventure.


	5. Part Two: Trey Racer

a/n: Someone asked for it, so… _here comes Trey Racer!_

* * *

After a few more days of journeying, our heroes came to a land far, far away.

Actually, by this time, they had no idea where they were.

Suddenly, a figure sprang out of the air and landed in front of them. "Yo! Did you think you could forget me?"

Ren's face melted into a soft smile, and he turned to the figure. "Horohoro! I'm so sorry… I thought I'd shaken you off in Japan… but then, I realized what my true feelings for you were, and I regretted it… Oh, Hororhoro!" He looked down at the ground and blushed.

Horohoro gave him a questioning look. "Wha-?"

"Sorry Ren's gone OOOC. And I'm sorry for leaving you in Japan… I just totally forgot when we were trying to escape the fangirls and stuff …" Yoh said apologetically.

Horohoro just looked puzzled. "Horohoro? I guess that's my name, but people hardly ever call me that. Hey, why are there two Yos? Why is Lenny talking like he's Chinese and... what did you call his, er, whimsicality? OOC?"

Our heroes went pale.

"Oh no," Anna chocked, "it's… it's…"

Horohoro gave a smirk smug. "Yes!"

Then, oh horror of horrors… he broke into song and dance!

_"Here he comes!_

_Here comes Trey Racer! _

_He's a demon on wheels!"_

"No more!" Anna said, whacking him on the back of his head. Let me point out that his song was accompanied by a _dance_, even though Trey Racer didn't know how to dance. One might say, "Oh, anyone can dance!" But after seeing Trey, one would be wrong.

"What's that for, interrupting my theme song?" Trey moaned, rubbing the bump on his head.

"Have you ever seen yourself dance?" Faust pointed out as kindly as he could. "If you did, you would realize the pain you've just inflicted on us."

Trey's eyes narrowed. "Hey, Yo, why are you hanging out with these shaman wannabes?"

"NOW! BEFORE HE STARTS THE THEME SONG BACK UP!" Yo shouted.

Anna pulled the trigger on the squirtgun.

And, much to everyone's surprise, the glowing, green water didn't squirt out.

Trey looked on suspiciously. "I'm not stupid, you know. If we're playing water gun tag, then you should give me a squirt gun, too!"

"I want to be on Trey's team!" Ren squealed loudly.

Trey stepped away from him, his eyes wide.

Anna shrugged. "We don't have anymore squirtguns."

Trey Racer sighed. Then he snapped his fingers. "I guess Kororo will have to... ice you!" he laughed evilly.

"There go the bad puns again..." Yoh muttered.

"Wait!" exclaimed Ren, his eyes brimming with tears, "Of course we want to play with you!"

So, sighing, the crew (accompanied by Trey Racer, who cautiously distanced himself from OOOC Ren) went to the nearest department store that sold water guns. After all, it was all they could do until Anna found a way to refill her glowing green water supply.

* * *

a/n: I hope you all liked it. Leave a review. xD I'm afraid that I've never heard Jeanne's dub voice, so I'll have to leave her out. Awwww. 

Jeanne: I don't want to be in this story. Ren is scary.

Anyway, I'm sorry updates are so few and far between right now. I have more stories on my plate than is good for me. (sigh) Until then, happy fanfiction-ing! xD


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